I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
