So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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