Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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