I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
