Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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