I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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