So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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