Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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