wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
