Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
