Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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