I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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