my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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