The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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