hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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