I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
