I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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