wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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