Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
