$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
