They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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