Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
