She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize