your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
