Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
