i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
