he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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