Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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