Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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