shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.