You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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