an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
