Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
