Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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