I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
