operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
birth control should be required to get into college
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Congratulations! We have a period
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