God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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