Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.