I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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