I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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