I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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