Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
