I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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