just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
A+ Viking dick
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
