I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
as a side note pls kill me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
