last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
