Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
