I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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