Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
