I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
