oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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