you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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