no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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