When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
