Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
