So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
