i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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