my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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