He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
