you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
